Tag Archives: relationships

“Why not pretend we are married?”


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Myself . By T.V. Antony Raj

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A man and a woman who had never met before, were travelling in the upper and lower berth on a long distance train.

At about 10 pm, to start a conversation the man leans over saying, “Ma’m, sorry to bother you, would you be kind enough to give me a second blanket from the side table. Its awfully cold up here.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, why not pretend we are married?”

“Great idea dear,” he replied in excitement.

She says, “Well then get down from there you bastard and take it yourself.”

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Mogul Mothers, Suppressed Sons


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This this article appeared three years ago in Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie. The insidious and abhorrent mother-son relationship is a perennial problem in communities all over the world.

wildninja

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By  wildninja originally posted on June 28, 2010

In J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy there is a character called Grima Wormtongue. Wormtongue is an advisor to the king of Rohan who is constantly pumping the king full of verbal toxins, keeping the king weak and looking aged beyond his years. When Wormtongue is finally exposed for the controlling, venomous leech he is, the king is released from a state of zombie-like submission. He is restored to his natural state and stands boldly as the fearless warrior he is meant to be.

While pondering the causes of relationship dysfunction recently, I was struck by the disturbing realization that many men who treat their partners poorly have inappropriate relationships with their mothers. Furthermore, it occurred to me that, in a majority of examples I could think of, these men have mothers who spoil them and take every opportunity to be involved in their lives. Because they have never known anything else, these men regard their mothers’ behavior as normal.

In a country where fathers are largely absent due to passivity, personal choice, or work commitments, mothers are often the primary influence in their sons’ lives. While some mothers lovingly raise their sons and set them free into the world as functional adults, others become permanently entrenched in their sons’ lives, refusing to let go of them when they reach adulthood.

Instead of becoming full-fledged men who are prepared to attract and maintain healthy, committed relationships, men whose mothers never cut the apron strings may exist as perpetual adolescents. They may never fully develop the emotional skills necessary to have productive, adult partnerships. Their mothers’ Grima Wormtongue-like control, however well-intentioned, may set them up for a lifetime of hell and heartache.

In Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan’s book When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, the authors point out that, “There is a universe of difference between a mother who loves her son dearly and a mother who makes her son the primary focus of her passion and preoccupation in an attempt to compensate for her own emptiness.”

Adams and Morgan note that such “mother-enmeshed men” frequently become involved in sex and/or relationships quickly, have trouble being faithful in relationships, or stay in a relationship for awhile without taking it to the next level. These men often experience sexual dysfunction, direct their anger and dissatisfaction with life at their partner, have a long history of being people pleasers, and have difficulty standing up for themselves.

The problems caused by overly involved mothers can manifest in a variety of ways, but at the root of these problems is a concept Adams and Morgan call The Disloyalty Bind. They say that men who are too close to their mothers unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, make their mother’s interests first and foremost in their lives.

These men are always concerned with pleasing their mothers whether they realize it or not, and so when they have trouble committing or have relationship problems, they push away their partner instead of their mother. Adams and Morgan assert that a man distancing himself from his mother causes him too much anxiety and guilt. Some men would rather destroy a relationship that is good for them than stand up to the omnipresent female power that gave birth to them.

An overly involved and controlling mother will not put up with being backed off or having boundaries put in place, so some men do the right thing to the wrong woman. They project their mommy issues onto their wife or girlfriend, forcing them to distance themselves or even to leave. Wives and girlfriends become surrogate mothers in that they get blamed for all manner of evils, from being control freaks to not wanting what’s best for their man, when they’re not the actual guilty parties at all.

When a mother makes her son a stand-in for his father (which frequently happens to eldest sons), lavishes attention and privileges on her son to keep his favor, or maintains a constant presence in his life without respect for his autonomy, she has, in a way, castrated her son. She has not taught him to have proper boundaries with other people and he may have grown up to find himself attracted to other controlling women. He may have difficulty saying no to sex or no to relationships that are bad for him. He may also be fiercely defensive of his unhealthy relationships and people who harm him.

Having a mother so tightly woven into the fabric of his life may well have kept him from maturing emotionally, especially if a mother always strokes her son’s ego and tells him he’s never wrong. As a result, he may not be able to function in a partnership or solve problems as a team, because doing so requires objective listening and conflict management skills. Such a man may not be willing to admit that he is wrong, because he can always count on mom to tell him that he’s just fine.

Unfortunately this may not just predispose men to bad choices and relationship problems, but also their children after them. A man who is concerned with his mother’s approval and whose lifestyle is a result of that will likely raise children who don’t know how to maintain boundaries themselves. Children are little sponges who learn from their parents’ behavior, and parents who live to please others will probably raise children who do the same. These behaviors can persist for generations.

Unless a mother-enmeshed man seeks help and learns how to have proper boundaries with his mother, he is unlikely to ever have a successful, lasting relationship. The only way that could happen is if he finds a doormat that is willing to go along with what his mother wants. Sadly, I know of situations in which wives placate their domineering mother-in-laws to preserve their relationships with their spouses. That is a miserable way to live, and it completely denies wives the autonomy and intimacy that they are supposed to have with their husbands.

Mother-enmeshed men who are supposedly in committed relationships may seek out soothing, mother-like voices that stroke their egos to supplement what their mothers do. If they don’t feel like they’re getting validation from their partners, they may be quick to turn to female friends or lovers who give them the same assurances that they’re doing nothing wrong. Real relationships are going to have challenges and issues to work through, but mother-enmeshed men may run to those reassuring voices instead of engaging in mutual problem-solving with their partners. They flee from reality.

Not all overly involved mothers exhibit obvious mafia don-like behavior or bark orders. Some selfish, controlling mothers disguise their intrusions by being generous, helpful, or sacrificial to excess. Their need to fill their own emptiness or feel important by maintaining a strong presence can be masked by an exuberant “benevolence.” Look deeper, though, and you may find that these same women expect a significant degree of loyalty and amount of attention in return.

These mothers will make it clear that they come before their sons’ wives or girlfriends. Breaks, holidays, and vacations should be spent with them even if that means their sons’ spouses get left behind. They call frequently or expect calls at set times, and they remind their sons’ spouses that their families already have set ways of doing things. They don’t hesitate to trivialize or look down upon their daughter-in-law’s family and their commitments.

Such mothers will seize upon problems in their sons’ relationships and use those issues to drive their sons’ partners away to maintain their control. They will ridicule suggestions that their son seek help for himself or his relationship through counseling or support groups, and continue to reinforce the belief that there’s nothing their son needs to do better. They may present their knowledge and know-how as superior to any means by which their son can better his life. Such mothers can be gasoline on the fire of dysfunction and domestic violence. They can destroy families.

Some of these women are so desperate to keep their position in their sons’ lives that they will lie, cheat, slander, and steal to preserve their “throne” when their sons forge a commitment with a partner. Whether they realize it or not, their actions show that in their world, life is all about them. They do not back off and let other women take their rightful place in their sons’ lives.

This is not love, this is slavery. Women who should be finding their worth, companionship, and self-esteem elsewhere latch onto their sons like vampires, draining their very life from them. They keep their sons from being whole people and living the life that God intends them to have. God has been very specific about what happens to a man when he grows up—“a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). But some mothers never cut the apron strings, and have conditioned their sons to cling to them instead.

Many men realize that they live with a horrifying degree of guilt and anxiety, but don’t know why. They may feel that they’re always going to fail, or they may feel that women are always out to control them. They may embark on a near-perfect relationship and then hack that relationship off like a diseased limb later when the mysterious guilt and anxiety overtakes them. They may hate their wife or girlfriend for things she hasn’t even done, and accuse her of the very things that their mother is actually doing, without realizing that their mother is the root cause.

Some mother-enmeshed men function under an illusion of self-sacrifice. Adams and Morgan have noticed that many mother-enmeshed men work in caretaking or heroic professions in which they are people rescuers or people pleasers. These characteristics may stem from their having to continually rescue or please their mothers. The self-sacrifice they display in their work is reflective of what they have always done for their mother’s sake, forfeit part of themselves to gain the admiration or approval of others.

This self-sacrifice can occur when mother-enmeshed men break off relationships. They may forego having a serious relationship for a number of reasons, including “for their kids’ sake”. They may engage in casual relationships that no one else has to know about. By doing so, they keep their relationships off of their mother or other controlling women’s radar screens, placating them and “keeping the peace” by sacrificing their own desires. While that may appear noble on the surface, no man should live in bondage to his mother or anyone else. If a man has to water down or hide his desire for companionship to avoid the wrath of other women in his life, there is something terribly wrong with that.

Men, if anything I’ve said bothers you or touches a nerve, please see a therapist or talk to a minister before you tell me that I’m wrong. I am extremely concerned about the number of men who put themselves, their mothers, or other women above their partners. No other woman should come before the one who has committed her life to you. She should be number one in your life and never blamed for the wrongs inflicted on you by other women.

If men won’t cut loose from the chains their mothers bind them with for their partner’s sake, then they should do it for their own sake or for their children’s sake. Having an overly involved mother is keeping all of you from becoming the people you were born to be. It prevents you from becoming autonomous adults with the ability to form healthy, joy-filled relationships.

You should be living in freedom, constantly learning and growing. Maintaining inappropriate attachments to your mother will keep you depressed, angry, submissive, anxious, guilt-ridden, and possibly even impotent. You were created for so much more than that.

I find it very distressing to think that millions of men may spend their entire 85-plus years living milquetoast, mediocre lives caused by their hurting or narcissistic mothers’ ideals. Thankfully millions of women have raised emotionally healthy men with a strong sense of individuality, and have remained a powerful source of love and support for those men their whole lives. But how many more have dominated their son’s existence and kept him unnaturally focused on them?

Moms, love your sons, be close to your sons, and be there for your sons, but do not impede their God-given mission to live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before them or after them can. When they grow up and you refuse to let go, you are stifling their masculinity, their maturity, and their marriages. Please love them enough to let them be who God wants them to be, not who you want them to be. They—and their women and children– deserve no less.

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We are separate people with separate identities, and we must not be conformed into someone else’s wishes that may conflict with what God has designed for us. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with God’s grace and truth.  – Henry Cloud

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About the author:

Ms. H. Hiatt (wildninja) is a longtime political activist, former civilian law enforcement with B.A. in Criminal Justice and a M.A. in Forensic Psychology. She is “a Generation X woman who is proud to advocate for crime victims, including domestic violence survivors, people with food allergies, children’s issues, animals, personal privacy rights, government accountability, and ethical law enforcement practices”.

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©2010 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com. This article/post is copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com.

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An email from an Indian father: I want to place on record my own story as a warning to anyone…


This a re-post of the original article posted on May 13, 2012
 in 
The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker.

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Sharing an email from a father of an Indian daughter.

Dear Indian Homemaker,

After stumbling upon your blog accidentally, I read with interest your post created on May 10, countering the so-called advantages of arranged marriage.

Although I have been happily married for nearly thirty years now, I have seen my own daughter suffer terribly in the arranged marriage system. While some might say that it is our culture, and love marriages are a Western import, I want to place on record my own story as a warning to anyone who might be considering the idea of simply going along with what everyone is saying, and isn’t following his or her own heart just because he doesn’t want ill to be spoken of his family in society. It is painful for me to write this, but I thought that I must use the internet forum to let people know how the system works.

I am retired with two daughters and a son.

It is my older daughter who has gone through hell on account of this horrible system of in-laws and dowry, and it is her that I want to write about.

About three years ago, my daughter graduated with her masters degree. She has always been extremely hard-working and being from a top college, she secured a well-paying job. Like any father, I was very proud of her and was happy that she was on-track to do very well in life without any help from me at all. The only thing left was to find a good groom for her, we thought, and after that she would be completely settled.

As my daughter had not selected any boy herself, the search began. We went all out. We published ads in papers, asked family friends, looked on matrimonial websites. Eventually, we found a boy, in the same city where my daughter worked a that time. He was from a good, well-settled family which owned a chain of businesses. He was well-spoken, confident and seemed quite modern in his ideas. We were forthright about my daughter being career-oriented and told the boy’s family categorically that she would not leave her job after marriage. We were assured that it was not a problem as the other daughter-in-law was also working and most of the housework was done by maids in any case.

My daughter, docile as always, simply went along and said okay to the proposal after only a few visits.

Within one month, the marriage was finalized and the ceremony was held in 2010.

At this point, we made the mistake of paying out a hefty dowry. It sounds very naive now, but I am being candid with you; I thought this might making things a little easier for our daughter . How could I have known what monstrous characters these people were hiding behind their smiles and laughter?

From the moment my daughter entered the house, these people began plotting to get more. At first, they were nice and gentle, but soon they began to show their true colours. It started with small hints, then moved on to broad hints, taunts, fights and finally, physical assaults.

I had no idea all this was going on. My daughter never told me; I used to call up every week and she told me that all was fine. Then one day, she said that she did not want me to call her anymore. She gave absolutely no reason for this request. It was completely out of character, and I was a little hurt, but reluctantly agreed. In Jun 2011, on her wedding anniversary, to my utter shock, the ceremony was held without us even being invited! By then, I had come to the conclusion that something was definitely very wrong.

I made a surprise visit to my son-in-law’s place. I told their family that I was there on business and had decided to pay them a visit. What I saw at their place made my blood boil over. My confident, beautiful daughter was treated like she was little more than a servant. When I entered, she was rudely told to get some tea, and the same people who had been so bubbly and smiley treated me as if I was a social inferior. I called out to my daughter, refused the tea, and simply stated that I was taking her out to lunch. They tried to protest, but I ignored them. It was only in the car that the whole story came out.

I have already told you the broad incidents, I won’t bore you with gory details. This fiend who called himself a husband not only hit my daughter, but he actually forced himself on her sexually. Imagine! My daughter, who I have NEVER hit till date. My daughter, who I brought up as the apple of my eye. How could this man have the gall to lay his dirty hands on her? How dare this rapist, this creature of filth, force her to bow to his perverted whims and fancies? The poor girl was so traumatized that she could not even cry! It was like talking to a shell, a dry husk of a person. It broke my heart to hear her speak like that.

I took her back to her marital home, told her to pack all essential documents and objects in a bag and come back with me immediately. The boy’s family created a scene of course, but at this time, I was so angry that I did not even look at them, let alone respond to their nonsense.

To cut a long story short, I got my daughter home and helped her file divorce papers and supplementary charges against the boy’s family. Although this terrible chapter is over, I am committed to personally ensuring that this man goes to jail, and isn’t just let off with a fine. I will make sure that he faces the consequences of his sins.

The points raised by the newspaper article (discussed in that post) seem so very shallow to me! It was written by someone who has no idea of ground reality and is floating in the dreams of a yesterday that does not exist.

Let me consider each point:

1. in a negotiated marriage, family support is a given.

What decent parent would not support their own child? And if this parent does not want to support a daughter who had a love marriage, would he support her if her arranged marriage ran into trouble? What is the guarantee?

2.  If the marriage demands the girl to stay with her in-laws, it is more likely that they will make her feel comfortable as they have already ‘approved’ of her.

As you can judge from my story, the ‘approval’ is only skin-deep. There is no guarantee that these in-laws will ‘approve’ afterwards too. And because enough time is not usually provided, who knows what the in-laws are actually like? Serial killers can also seem very pleasant under normal circumstances, but they will show their true colours only after a certain time.

3. The process … involves understanding each other’s cultural interests apart from individual views and opinions about life in general.

Complete rubbish. The process only involves ticking off certain features, as if one was buying a car. This is not a feature of arranged marriage at all.

4.  Unlike a love marriage where financial security of the groom is not always a priority, in an arranged marriage, it is imperative that the bride’s family ensure that their would-be son-in-law is career-oriented and has a steady flow of income.

If financial security is not a priority for the couple, then how is it important in any case? If it is a priority, then the couple will ensure it.

5.  Each day is a surprise wherein the couple learn about the nitty gritty of the relationship and also take an effort to nurture it.

But are all surprises pleasant? Some things should not be a surprise. There are things that one must know well about one’s husband beforehand.

6. Once the alliance is arranged, the boy and girl are officially allowed to meet and know more about each other

I do not understand what this means. Are the girl and boy not allowed to meet otherwise? If not, then how will they get married in any case?

7. Ever heard of Swayamvar, an ancient Indian practice of choosing a husband from among a list of suitors?

Do all ‘Swayamvars’ turn out blissfully?

8. Since both the parties are way too involved in finding the right match and also the actual activity of marriage, it takes the load off the bride-to-be and gives her time to get comfortable in her new surroundings.

I can only laugh at this, seeing how things have gone with my own daughter.

I hope I’ve not made this overly long. I really wanted to share it, and I hope your find it useful.

Regards,

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Re-posted from The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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What I Have Learned (sometimes the hard way)


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I’ve learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned- that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned- that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned- that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned- that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned- that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned- that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned- that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned- that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned- that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned- that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I’ve learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned- that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Re-posted from Bible.com

 

Anger Management: A Few Tips to Control Our Temper


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Myself . 

By T.V. Antony Raj

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Anger

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Managing anger is challenging, especially when someone provokes us willfully.

We must understand that feeling angry is part of being human. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion that helps us detect and respond instinctively to threatening situations like being attacked, insulted, deceived or frustrated. Even so, uncontrolled anger turns destructive and lead to problems that take a toll on our health, our personal relationships at home, at work, between friends and acquaintances.

Uncontrolled anger could change the overall quality of our life and make us feel as though we are at the mercy of an unpredictable destructive power brimming within us. Anger becomes a problem when it harms us or others.

Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger defines anger as “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.

Anger, like other emotions, produces physiological and biological changes: our heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of our energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Adrenaline and noradrenaline are catecholamines that play major roles in regulating the ‘inner world’ of the body by the brain. Adrenaline is a key cause of responses to metabolic or global challenges to homeostasis, such as glucoprivation, and of manifestations of emotional distress. Noradrenaline (synonymous with norepinephrine), the main neurotransmitter of the sympathetic nervous system, is responsible for tonic and reflexive changes in cardiovascular tone. Both external and/or internal circumstances can cause anger. One could be angry with a coworker or supervisor or could be angry due to an inadvertent event such as being in the midst of a traffic jam, or confronted with a canceled flight, or one’s anger could be the result of brooding and worrying about one’s personal problems. Even remembering traumatic or aggravating events can trigger angry feelings too.

Some Myths About Anger

  • Suppressing anger or ignoring it is unhealthy.

But venting anger is no better. Tirades and outbursts often worsen a situation than making it better.

  • Showing an aggressive attitude and intimidating others when angry help us earn the respect of others and carry out what we want.

If we cannot control ourselves or are not ready to listen and understand opposing viewpoints, then no one would ever show us respect even though they might be afraid of us. Real power comes not by bullying others.

  • Anger is an uncontrollable emotion.

We cannot always control the circumstances and the situation we have ourselves got into or how it makes us feel, but we can control the way we express our anger – without being oral or physically abusive. We always have the choice on how we should respond.

Some Dynamics of Anger

    • We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
    • We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
    • We are often angry when we didn’t get what we needed as a child.
    • We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can’t stand in ourselves.
    • Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
    • Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
    • We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
    • We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.

Source: Get Your Angries Out

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10 Tips to Tame Our Temper

Anger management is all about becoming aware of our underlying feelings and the need to develop healthy ways to manage our emotions and physical actions when we are in rage. The staff of Mayo Clinic have compiled a set of 10 simple anger management tips to tame our temper:

No. 1: Take a timeout

Counting to 10 isn’t just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

No. 2: Once you’re calm, express your anger

As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

No. 3: Get some exercise

Physical activity can offer an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favorite physical activities. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.

No. 4: Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

No. 5: Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything, and might only make it worse.

No. 6: Stick with ‘I’ statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes,” instead of, “You never do any housework.”

No. 7: Don’t hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.

No. 8: Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don’t use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

No. 9: Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

No. 10: Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

      • Learn what anger is
      • Identify what triggers your anger
      • Recognize signs that you’re becoming angry
      • Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way
      • Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression

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Under control

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“Premarital Sex Anyone?” by Nirav Karani


Nirav Karani

By Nirav Karani

It is funny how people talk about wanting to sleep with just one person in their whole life and how they want to do this sacrosanct act with that special person only. Yes, it sounds very beautiful to say and all that, but I wonder exactly how much love is there between a couple having sex on their wedding night having met about four and a half times before that (Sitting silently amongst ten family members of either side doesn’t really count, but I’m giving it a half). So if you’re pervert enough to do it on the first opportunity once you’ve been ‘certified’ by the society, why the hypocrisy? Of course, it isn’t a social obligation to fornicate once you’re married, is it? Maybe there is a no-hymen clause in one of the post marriage rituals. I don’t know.

How about a couple that have been going around for say, more than a year? Chances that they are in love, that they know each other a little better, that the act – if they do it – will be more meaningful, are at least a tad more, don’t you think?

Maybe age is a factor, you might say. College students are just naïve; they don’t have an inkling what real love is really about. My grandmother’s brother was married before his 15th birthday. Not much more than a year later, he was pacing down the hospital corridor before he got the good news and started jumping with joy, hugging everyone in sight. Ha! Quite a spectacle it is to imagine that! Of course, people used to get married that early those days and that was the norm. Now people want to study and earn and be ‘settled’ before take the vows. Unfortunately, their hormones are not quite attuned with the new arrangement.

Having said all this, I must mention that I’m not trying to glorify sex at all. Not for one moment. It’s a beautiful act, no doubt. But for all those who claim that it is our very basic instinct, I am afraid there is a wake-up call lurking somewhere. Lust is indeed one of the lower ways in which our energy manifests itself. After all, one can fuck only so many times. And let’s face it, it cannot be a source of lasting happiness.

And lest you think this is some sort of philosophical shit, believe me, I am speaking from experience. Of course, my virginity variable is firmly set to one and there are no indications that that is going to change anytime soon. Yes, poor me! (Programming does get into your head, doesn’t it? Besides, I think a part of me thinks it’s almost fashionable to exhibit geekiness. You think?) But just because I haven’t played the real match, it doesn’t mean that I don’t do net practice either. And honestly, my experiences in meditation have been much more gratifying.

Anyway, I still question the hype, and a sense of mystery, even guilt, and most of all, the hypocrisy surrounding – to quote Sheldon Cooper – ‘the messy, unsanitary act that involves loud and unnecessary appeals to the deity’.

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Phrases That Have Just Three Little Words


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj .

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I'll be there
I’ll be there

The most significant messages we offer to each other can be found in phrases that have just three little words. Whenever articulated, those phrases hold the power to forge unique friendships, intensify older ones, as well as help to restore worthwhile relationships, which may have cooled down. The following three-word phrases can certainly improve almost every relationship.

I’LL BE THERE

Let’s look at these two scenarios.

First: Your father is sick. You telephone a friend in the middle of the night, to take him to a hospital.

Second: Your car has broken down some miles away from your home. You telephone a friend and tell him the situation.

How did you feel when you heard these 3 words, “I’ll be there” from the other end?

Being there physically or emotionally for someone is the supreme gift we can easily offer them. With our presence, significant things happen to them as well as to us. We feel refreshed with love and companionship and rejuvenated mentally and spiritually.

COUNT ON ME

A true friend is the one who walks in when others walk out.

Integrity is an essential component of true friendship; it is the emotional adhesive that binds individuals. People rich in their relationships are almost always reliable and true friends. The instant difficulties arise a true friend will be there saying, “You can count on me.”

LET ME HELP

Your best friends can easily sense your needs. If you are adversely affected, they will do whatever for you to get over it. It is your true friends who pitch in and help you without being requested.

I ADMIRE YOU

When you respect a person, it implies you have sincere regard and respect for that person. This is yet another way of affirming your love for that person. Admiration and respect convey the impression that the other person is a true equal. It is truly an excellent way to affirm the importance of a relationship.

If you communicate to your children your admiration for their performance, you will  certainly strengthen the bonds of love and become a close-knit family.

This works for almost all interpersonal relationships.

GO FOR IT

A few of your friends may perhaps be non conformists, have unique ideas, projects, or unusual hobbies. Instead of urging them to conform, encourage their uniqueness. Encourage them in pursuing their interests. Remember that all of us have singular dreams and hopes that not everybody else has.

MAYBE YOU’RE RIGHT

This expression is simple and highly effective in diffusing disagreement, and mending frayed emotions. The opposite of “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting “maybe I’m wrong”.

When you have a heated argument with another and don’t change your stance, then you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between both of you. Saying, “maybe you’re right” can open the door to explore the subject a bit further, and give you the opportunity to get your view across in a more rational manner.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

A number of shattered relationships can certainly be renewed and improved if we admit our mistakes and ask forgiveness. Every one of us is susceptible to making mistakes. We should never be ashamed to own our mistakes.

I UNDERSTAND YOU

We tend to become closer, and take more pleasure in each other, when the other person becomes aware that we uttered these genuine words. Letting the others around you know, in a number of modest ways, that you understand them, is truly the most effective method for rejuvenating your relationship.

This is applicable to any kind of relationship.

I THANK YOU

Thankfulness is a great form of courtesy. Those who cherish the companionship of wonderful friends are the ones who don’t need regular courtesies for granted. They are prompt to say thanks to their family and friends for their numerous expressions of kindness. Nonetheless, folks whose circle of friends is significantly confined, oftentimes do not have the attitude of gratitude.

I MISS YOU

How happy will you be if you received an unexpected telephone call during your stressful, hectic workday from your spouse, to say, “I miss you”?

Most likely, more marriages could, in fact, be saved and reinforced, if spouses sincerely said to each other, “I miss you”.

This powerful affirmation conveys to spouses they are, needed, desired and cherished.

I LOVE YOU

These are the most important three words that you can say. These 3 little words are essentially reserved for those who are special to us.

Telling that someone “I love you” satisfies their emotional needs – the need to belong, the need to be wanted, and the need to feel appreciated.

Your family, your friends, and even you too, long to hear these 3 sweet little words said softly and often by someone who really loves you.

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“Wish you A Happy Mother’s Day!”


My wife Assuntha – Mother of our 4 children and grandmother of our 6 grandchildren.

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A baby asked god, “I hear you are sending me to earth tomorrow. How am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you”

The child then said, “But here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing, smile and be happy”.

God said, “Your angel will sing and smile for you and you will feel your angel’s love for you and you will be happy.”

And the child said, “But who will protect me?”

And God said “Your angel will protect you even if it means risking its own life”

Then the child said “If I am to leave heaven please tell me my angel’s name”

And God said, “You will simply call her Mother.”

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