Tag Archives: humour

Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

The Secret of His energy!

Leave a comment

Myself

By T.V. Antony Raj

.

.

After the virile old man celebrated his 100th birthday, a reporter asked him the secret of his energy. 

Old man: “Well, after getting married, my wife and I agreed that whoever lost the argument after an altercation should walk 5 km as punishment. So, for the past 75 years, I have been walking 5 km almost every day.”

Reporter: “Then how come your wife too, is energetic as you are?”

Old man: “Oh, she used to follow me at a distance to ascertain whether I completed the 5 km walk and moreover to make sure I meet no other women!”

Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

Its performance that Counts!

Leave a comment

Myself

By T.V. Antony Raj
.

.A priest dies on All Souls Day and is waiting in the queue at Heaven’s Gate.

In front of him stands a guy, wearing a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans, and sporting sunglasses.

Saint Peter to the guy: “Who were you?”

Guy: “An Express Bus driver. I used to drive long distances at night.”

Saint Peter: “Enter the kingdom of heaven. You are admitted to the first-class accommodations.”

Saint Peter to the Priest: “Who were you?”

Priest: “A priest and I spent almost 40 years preaching the Word of God to people.”

Saint Peter: “Enter the kingdom of heaven. You are admitted to the third class accommodations.”

Priest: “OMG, I spent all my life preaching God’s Words. How come a flamboyant, rash driver gets first class and I get third?”

Saint Peter: “Results, my son, results.”

Priest: “What?”

Saint Peter: “Its performance, not the position that counts!”

Priest: “Ugh!”

Saint Peter: “While you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed! It’s the performance that counts!” 

Donald Trump, Food for Thought, Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj, Walking Eagle

Donald J. Trump, the “Walking Eagle”

Leave a comment

Myself . 

By T. V. Antony Raj

.

donald-trump
Donald J Trump

Donald J. Trump, the outgoing President of the United States had thought of running for president in 1988, 2004, and 2012, and for Governor of New York in 2006 and 2014, but did not enter any of those races. In 1988, considered as a potential running mate for George H. W. Bush, he lost to Vice President Dan Quayle.

Donald Trump has always voiced whatever caustic thoughts he has. To him, the Mexicans were “rapists” and “anchor babies“. He has used adjectives such as “bimbo” and “fat pig” to describe women.
 
For months he preoccupied himself with mocking Kamala Devi Harris, the vice president-elect of the United States.
 
Earlier Trump had mocked Senator Elizabeth Ann Warren, the Democratic senator from Massachusetts. He called her “the Indian” and “Pocahontas“, and insisted that she was a racist for having listed her heritage while on the faculty of Harvard Law School.
.
By the way, Donald Trump has his own share of bullshit thrown at him. The following is a snippet about Native Americans tagging a pandering self-conceited Donald Trump with the name “Walking Eagle”.
 
Donald Trump received an invitation to address a significant gathering of leaders of the American Indian Tribes. At the meeting, he spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s standard of living. Though vague in detail, he spoke about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers“.
.
After he concluded his eloquent speech, the Chiefs of the American Indian Tribes presented him a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle” which a proud pompous Trump accepted.

Walking Eagle
Walking Eagle

After Trump left the venue, a reporter asked the group of Chiefs how they came to select the specific name “Walking Eagle” for Trump. The Chiefs explained that it is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
.
 .

RELATED ARTICLES

.

Humour, This is Life, tvaraj

Oh, It’s A Matter of Hearing

Leave a comment

Myself

By T. V. Antony Raj

One Sunday morning, during the sermon, the Pastor said, “If anyone with ‘special needs’ wants me to pray for them, please approach the altar.”

Albert Perera, a businessman and prominent member of the community, stood up and walked to the altar.

The Pastor asked, ” Mr Perera, what do you want me to pray for?”

Perera replied, “Reverend, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The Pastor placed his right hand on top of Perera’s head and then inserted the middle finger of his left hand into his right ear. He began to pray fervently, and the congregation joined him with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back, looked into Perera’s eyes and asked, “Mr Perera, how is your hearing now?”

Perera replied, “I don’t know yet, reverend. The Criminal Court has scheduled my hearing for next Thursday!”

Food for Thought, Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa!

Leave a comment

Myself

By T. V. Antony Raj

.

Last Sunday, during the sermon, the village Pastor told his congregation that one should always embrace his/her mistakes and say “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa” meaning “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”.

Now the Pastor wonders why his pious gardner hugs him every day and utters “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa!“

Condoms, Food for Thought, Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

Always Keep Them in the Car

Leave a comment

Myself

By T. V. Antony Raj

.

.

After dating for six months, Antonio and Sophia finally decided to marry. It took such a long time for Antonio to propose because of Gina, the voluptuous unmarried elder sister of Sophia, who from the day he met her was tempting him by offering spectacular views of her braless breasts whenever she came near him.

A month before the wedding Gina phoned Antonio and asked him to come over to their house to check the wedding invitation.

When Antonio parked his car under the porch of Sophia’s house. The usually noisy house was calm. When he rang the bell, Gina opened the door and he could feel a hint of trepidation in her mien as she pulled him inside and shut the door. Embracing him she said that she was alone in the house and had been waiting long for such a moment to express her feelings and desires for him and wanted to sleep with him as many times as she could before he married her younger sister.

When Gina said, “Let’s go upstairs to my bedroom and ...”, he just stood there stupefied. As she climbed the stairs, he rushed out of the house.

He froze in his tracks when he saw Sophia and all the members of her family standing near his car, and Sophia’s father was holding a gun. They all smiled and cheered.

With joyful tears streaming down his cheeks, his future father-in-law gave the gun to Sophia. He hugged Antonio and said, “You have passed our little test. We don’t think we can find a better man than you as a faithful husband for my younger daughter. Welcome to the family!“

Just then Gina came out of the house and joined her family members. They all went laughing into the house with Antonio. After dinner, Gina accosted Antonio and while offering a view of her gorgeous braless breasts, whispered, “My offer still stands even after you marry my sister!“

He smiled slyly as acceptance of her offer and silently vowed to keep his condoms always in his car as a precautionary measure and never in his pockets!

Food for Thought, Humour, Red wine, Scotch, Spirytus Vodka, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj, vodka, white wine

An Interview with a Nonagenarian

Leave a comment

Myself

By T. V. Antony Raj
.

A nonagenarian (Photo source: Driving Miss Norma/ Facebook).

.

Interviewer:  “Madam, to what do you adduce your longevity.”

Nonagenarian: “First and foremost I pay great attention to what I drink.”

Interviewer: “Madam, what do you drink?”

Nonagenarian: “It’s a good question. Normally, I drink beer for better digestion.

Interviewer: “What else?”

Nonagenarian: “When I lose appetite I drink white wine.”

Interviewer: “Good.”

Nonagenarian:  “When my blood pressure is low I drink red wine and if my blood pressure shoots up, I drink Scotch.”

Interviewer: “Oh, my God!”

Nonagenarian: “And if I have a cold I drink the Polish-distilled Spirytus Vodka, 192 Proof.”

Interviewer: “But madam, when do you drink water?”

Nonagenarian: “Oh! I’ve never been that sick!”

Chinese, Humour, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

All Men Are Same!

Leave a comment

Myself 

 

 

By T. V. Antony Raj

.

The traditional Chinese New year holiday is absolutely the worst time to travel anywhere in China when millions head home to spend the traditional Chinese New year holiday at their parental homes, and railway stations like Guangzhou in Guangdong, a province in South China, see around 175,000 passengers daily.

The phrase “All Men Are Same!” was coined after a Chinese woman lost her husband in a crowd during the festive season.

It was a nightmare for the Chinese woman and her husband to reach their cosy hotel in an alleyway off the main tourist thoroughfare. They had to push and shove their way through the thick crowd of people who all looked the same, and got separated.

She desperately searched for her husband and ultimately went with a man to his home who too had lost his partner in the crowd.

Food for Thought, Humour, Peeping Tom, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

The Peeping Tom of Our Lane

Leave a comment

Myself

By T. V. Antony Raj

.

The people in the lane where I live are all respectable. However, an old woman living on the first floor of a nearby apartment has been lately having trouble with a ‘Peeping Tom’ living in a nearby building. Every time she goes to her bathroom, this peeping tom looks through the Louvre and stares at her.

She complained to the old caretaker of the building about this annoying peeping Tom but he wanted positive proof before he could take any action.

So, the old woman went to a friend’s apartment in the adjoining building and took a photo of the culprit peeping into her bathroom!  

Scroll Down

Down arrow[3]

Down arrow

Down arrow

.

.

Gotcha!!!
All Souls Day, Humour, Sri Lanka, T.V. Antony Raj, This is Life, tvaraj

“One For Me, One For You…”

Leave a comment

Myself 

By T. V. Antony Raj

two-bags-of-oranges

On the eve of All Souls Day, two boys ventured into one of the orange orchards in the village. They saw two bags of freshly plucked oranges lying unattended. Grabbing a bag each, they left the orchard unobserved. They then decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

While they jumped over the parapet wall of the village cemetery two oranges fell out of one of the bags but they did not bother to pick them at that time.

A few minutes later, the village drunkard Carolis Appuhamy, who looked after the churchyard and the cemetery was returning inebriated from the tavern. While passing the cemetery he heard a monotonous mumbling: “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, …“

Frightened Carolis Appu ran as fast as he could to the church. When he saw Father Augustine he blurted “Anéy father, please come, come. I heard Satan and Saint Peduru sharing the dead at the cemetery.“

Curiosity taking the upper hand, Fr Augustine followed Carolis Appu to the cemetery. The crouched near the parapet wall and heard the voice muttering, “One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, …“

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: “Finished. What about those two outside the parapet wall?“

Fr Augustine and Carolis Appu immediately took to flight. They ran towards the Church shouting madly in unison: “We are not dead, we are not dead…“