Category Archives: Marriage

Love Your Husband Even If…


Myself . 

By T. V. Antony Raj

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Love your husband even if he criticises your cooking; he purely wants you to excel in the culinary arts!

Love your husband even if he tells you to make tea or coffee at odd times; he wants to feel fresh to listen to your nonstop nagging.

Love your husband even if he steals a glance at other women; it is his way of checking that you are still the best.

Love your husband even if he makes himself a nuisance by snoring at night; it proves that he is more relaxed after being married to you.

Love your husband even if he forgets your birthday and the necklace you were yearning for so long; remember, he is saving the money for your future.

Love your husband always, because you do not have any other choice; remember the oath you both took during your marriage ceremony, “to love and cherish” each other forever.

Love your husband always, because, Exodus 20:13 admonishes: “Thou shalt not kill”; anyway, even if you are not religious, murder is a still a legal offence.

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Anger Management: A Few Tips to Control Our Temper


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Myself . 

By T.V. Antony Raj

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Anger

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Managing anger is challenging, especially when someone provokes us willfully.

We must understand that feeling angry is part of being human. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion that helps us detect and respond instinctively to threatening situations like being attacked, insulted, deceived or frustrated. Even so, uncontrolled anger turns destructive and lead to problems that take a toll on our health, our personal relationships at home, at work, between friends and acquaintances.

Uncontrolled anger could change the overall quality of our life and make us feel as though we are at the mercy of an unpredictable destructive power brimming within us. Anger becomes a problem when it harms us or others.

Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger defines anger as “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.

Anger, like other emotions, produces physiological and biological changes: our heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of our energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Adrenaline and noradrenaline are catecholamines that play major roles in regulating the ‘inner world’ of the body by the brain. Adrenaline is a key cause of responses to metabolic or global challenges to homeostasis, such as glucoprivation, and of manifestations of emotional distress. Noradrenaline (synonymous with norepinephrine), the main neurotransmitter of the sympathetic nervous system, is responsible for tonic and reflexive changes in cardiovascular tone. Both external and/or internal circumstances can cause anger. One could be angry with a coworker or supervisor or could be angry due to an inadvertent event such as being in the midst of a traffic jam, or confronted with a canceled flight, or one’s anger could be the result of brooding and worrying about one’s personal problems. Even remembering traumatic or aggravating events can trigger angry feelings too.

Some Myths About Anger

  • Suppressing anger or ignoring it is unhealthy.

But venting anger is no better. Tirades and outbursts often worsen a situation than making it better.

  • Showing an aggressive attitude and intimidating others when angry help us earn the respect of others and carry out what we want.

If we cannot control ourselves or are not ready to listen and understand opposing viewpoints, then no one would ever show us respect even though they might be afraid of us. Real power comes not by bullying others.

  • Anger is an uncontrollable emotion.

We cannot always control the circumstances and the situation we have ourselves got into or how it makes us feel, but we can control the way we express our anger – without being oral or physically abusive. We always have the choice on how we should respond.

Some Dynamics of Anger

    • We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
    • We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
    • We are often angry when we didn’t get what we needed as a child.
    • We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can’t stand in ourselves.
    • Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
    • Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
    • We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
    • We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.

Source: Get Your Angries Out

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10 Tips to Tame Our Temper

Anger management is all about becoming aware of our underlying feelings and the need to develop healthy ways to manage our emotions and physical actions when we are in rage. The staff of Mayo Clinic have compiled a set of 10 simple anger management tips to tame our temper:

No. 1: Take a timeout

Counting to 10 isn’t just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

No. 2: Once you’re calm, express your anger

As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

No. 3: Get some exercise

Physical activity can offer an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favorite physical activities. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.

No. 4: Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

No. 5: Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything, and might only make it worse.

No. 6: Stick with ‘I’ statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes,” instead of, “You never do any housework.”

No. 7: Don’t hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.

No. 8: Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don’t use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

No. 9: Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

No. 10: Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

      • Learn what anger is
      • Identify what triggers your anger
      • Recognize signs that you’re becoming angry
      • Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way
      • Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression

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Under control

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March for Marriage: Every Child Deserves a Mom and a Dad!


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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March for Marriage Success - Top


March for Marriage Success!

The March for Marriage was an exciting event, many organizations and supporters showed up to take a stand for marriage and family.  The Supreme Court will render a decision sometime this summer in regard to the Defense of Marriage Act’s (DOMA) constitutionality, and on the Proposition 8 case.  Both of these cases will determine the course of this nation’s future.

CAAP will continue to stand for what is true and right.  CAAP will continue to encourage, exhort, instruct, and pray for leaders to encourage their congregations and the American people to keep fighting for the family.  We will travel the length and breadth of this great nation with our message.
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Bill Owens
Bill Owens

The National Organization for Marriage, headed by Brian Brown, organized this massive undertaking and Deborah and I were proud to lend our influence to this historic event. We were proud of our brothers and sisters who came from Hickory, NC to support CAAP and the march. Dr. Glenn Pinckney, our CAAP’s North Carolina, Chair did a fantastic job in rallying close to two hundred persons to join us in D.C. In addition, we are grateful that CAAP had a delegation from Memphis. We thank all of our CAAP supporters who came from the surrounding areas also.

And even though we feel the march was a success, we must recognize the ‘winds of change,’ in our country.  And, we must acknowledge the ‘signs’ of the times in our nation: the shifts in the spiritual and political atmospheres of our land. One cannot help but notice that the Democratic Party has removed itself from what our Forefathers represented when they founded this nation, yet the majority of Americans still hold to Christian values when it comes to marriage and family.

In 2012, The Democratic Party radically removed itself from traditional values and godly principles. Therefore, we must take a deeper look, and engage in a thoughtful discussion of the possible ramifications and spiritual consequences of these changes. So stay tuned because we will be addressing many of these changes and their impact within the African American community, and our nation as a whole.

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So be encouraged, because no matter the outcome of the ruling, we can find solace in knowing that those who would raise their voices against traditional marriage and the family will ultimately be defeated.  We win folks.  I want to share a Facebook post Deborah posted the day of the march. She said the following:

I loved what Gary Bauer said today at the march(paraphrasing)The same-sex marriage supporters have Hollywood, big business and spineless politicians on their sidewhat do we have? We havethe God of Abraham on our side. I have been saying the same thing, but I add the following: same sex-marriage supporters have the Obama’s and the Democratic Party on their side also. They are all in sync and are cleverly using the liberal media to push their agenda to “normalize” same-sex marriage. Collectively, they represent a modern day Goliath. They seem to be invincible, but I remember a boy named DavidRemember him? He killed the giant, “Goliath” with a what? Yep, a stone! The God of Abraham is more than enough… Deborah Owens

Again, thank you for supporting The March for Marriage and CAAP. Without your support we would not have been able to co-sponsor this march. Please share our work with your friends. Please “LIKE” us on FB and please sign the marriage pledge.

Lastly, please be patient with us as we work on getting the membership kits out to those of you who have joined CAAP. We apologize for the delay, and we sincerely thank you for your continued patience.

Mail all correspondence to CAAP-West Business Office:  2654 W. Horizon Ridge Pkwy, Suite B5-139, Henderson NV, 89052

The Coalition for African American Pastors is a grass roots movement of Christians who believe in traditional family values in American public life.  We believe in protecting the lives of the unborn, and defending the sacred institution of marriage.

We wish you and your family a blessed Good Friday and a joyous weekend.

Thank you for your prayers and for your support.

For marriage and family
Bill and Deborah Owens

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Her Grandmother’s Secret for a Long-lasting Marriage: Crochet Dolls


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Myself . By T.V. Antony Raj

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old-couple

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They got married 55 years ago, but had no issues. All their friends and relatives saw in them the happiest couple they ever came across in their life. Everyone vied to emulate them.

It was a hearsay that the secret for their long-lasting marriage was the old couple kept no secrets from each other.

A year ago, the old man died after a severe heart attack. The old woman fell ill and was bedridden. The doctors diagnosed her for cancer and numbered the days she had still to live. The young nurse who looked after the old woman was a very kind and caring person. Since the old woman did not have any children she felt a motherly love for the young nurse.

Shoebox with money

One day while two doctors were examining the old woman at her home she asked the young nurse to open her closet and fetch the shoebox. The nurse brought the dilapidated shoebox. She then asked the young nurse to open the box. There were three crocheted dolls and wads of hard cash totaling around $30,000 in it. The old woman told the nurse to have the shoebox as a gift for looking after her like a devoted daughter.

Old woman csrochetting

The old woman said: “You all think that the secret for our long-lasting marriage was that we kept no secrets from each other. It is true. However, the real secret is in this shoebox that I have had on the top rack of my closet. I asked my husband to promise me that he would never open the shoebox nor discuss it. As a gentleman he kept his promise until his death.”

Then she continued: “A week after we got married my husband and I quarrelled over some unimportant matter. My grandmother who came to know about it from my mother admonished me and gave me the recipe for a happy marriage: ‘Never argue.’ She then told me that if I ever got angry with my husband, I should crochet a doll to keep myself quiet.”

“Since there are only three dolls in the box, does it mean you had been angry with him only thrice in all those 55 years of living and loving?” asked the nurse.

The old woman gave a wicked smile and said: “Oh no! From where do you think those dollars came from? These dolls are the last three I couldn’t sell.”

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
I pray for Love to forgive him;
I pray for Patience to bear his moods;
I do not pray for Strength O Lord,
Because I do not want to beat him to death.

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Extravagance at Marriages – An Austerity Lesson from ‘Soliga’ Community


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By Ramya BN

Published in Mangalorean.com on March 22, 2012

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As the marriage season approaches in April and May, a bride’s father’s pocket gets drained day by day shopping and making arrangements. Doesn’t it?

In the modern society, lakhs and lakhs of rupees are spent on marriages – on clothing, jewellery, food arrangements and the like. Most of all, lakhs need to be spent on the marriage hall just for a day or two.

But, in the middle of all this, what catches one’s attention is a unique ritual followed in the ‘Soliga’ tribe in Karnataka, where they spend just 12 rupees and 25 paise for a marriage. Something out of this world in the 21st century, where a sum of Rs 12 and paise 25 cannot even fetch a bouquet, leaving alone the fact that 25 paise coin has been de-recognized by the Reserve Bank of India.

Photo: mangalorean.com
Photo: mangalorean.com
Photo: mangalorean.com

The Soliga community  is a tribe which inhabits the Biligiri Ranga and the adjacent hill ranges in southern Karnataka, most prominently in Chamarajanagar district. They are segregated into 82 different ‘podu’ (villages). It is said that there are 82 podu  in Kollegal, 40 podu in Gundlupet, 32 podu in Chamarajanagar and 10 podu in Yellandur Taluk. Most of them are concentrated in and around the the BR Hills in Yelandur and Kollegal taluks of Chamarajanagar. Their population numbers close 46,000 in the state.

Basavaraju, a Soliga, explained the unique way of marriage rituals followed in the community, saying that the bride is chosen during a dance performance. If any girl likes any boy in the dancing troupe, she can throw a stone and he will approach her, and if both wish to marry they will go to the forest and stay there for 8 days. When they return, the podu (village) head will administer an oath to them, whereby they vow to live together. The bride will pay rupees 12.25 to the community as ‘thera’ (as a fine) and marry.

He said that even now the same rituals are followed, but as an influence of modernization, the stone is replaced by a banana or biscuit and instead of forest they go to their relatives’ house in the podu.

The story behind 12 rupees and 25 paise sounds interesting. It is believed that in the early years, Soliga Bommegowda and Rangamma couple had 7 daughters. Among them, the youngest one, Kusumaledevi, was the most beautiful daughter among the entire tribe.

They used to go digging mud in search of sweet potato, which was then the staple food for the tribal people. Once when Kusumaledevi went with her sisters in search of sweet potato, Lord Biligiri Ranga was impressed by Kusumaledevi’s beauty and wanted to marry her.

So to speak to Kusumaledevi, with his magical powers he made all her sisters get more sweet potato and return home.  Kusumaledevi was made to stay back, still digging for sweet potato. When she was alone after her sisters had left, again with his magical powers, he made her get more sweet potato so that she was not able to lift it on her head.

When she screamed for help the Lord appeared in front of her disguised as an old man and promised to help her if she agreed to marry him. She thought that the old man was saying so for fun and she agreed. As he helped her lift the sack, he showed his real face and she also fell in love with him.

However, not having enough courage to seek her parents’ approval, they went and stayed in the forest for eight days and came back. Lord Biligiriranga Swamy gave diamonds and gold to Kusumaledevi’s father Bommegowda as penalty for taking her without his consent. An enraged Bommegowda pushed it aside, but Kusumaledevi’s mother grasped it in the ‘pallu’ of her sari and prevented it from falling down. A sum of 12.25 annas (old coins) fell into her ‘pallu’ which are now accounted for as 12 rupees and 25 paise.

From then on the ritual has been followed in the Soliga community. With a firm belief that Kusumadevi as tribe’s common sister and to celebrate the happiness of her marriage with Lord Biligiri Ranga, they dance for the appeasement of community deities like Jadeyappa, Ketappa, Dodasampige and others.

They also dance and celebrate ‘Rotti habba’ during ‘Suggi’, once in a year, in the month of March or April.

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Re-posted from Mangalorean.com

A Wedding Video and Sanctity of Marriage.


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Just ask yourself how many times you would have watched a wedding video of another person – once, twice, thrice?

More often, we do not relish watching the wedding videos of relatives and friends, more than once, and that too, by feigning interest and hiding our boredom, merely to keep them happy.

One and a half million views on YouTube
One and a half million views on YouTube

Of late, I watched two wedding video clips of a (Jaffna?) Tamil Hindu couple Dilip and Mohana,  posted on YouTube, with mixed apprehension.

This marriage took place on February 12, 2012 at Sree Maha Mariamman Temple in Singapore. A week later, on February 19, Mohana Rajan, the bride, uploaded two video clips to YouTube.  The first clip shows the groom, Dilip Kumar, entering the wedding hall and the second shows the bride, Mohana Rajan’s entrance.

So far, as of March 19, 2012, the video clip of the entrance made by the groom has had 563,631 views and the video clip of the  bride’s entrance has a record-breaking 1,536,902 views. Above all, a fan page created on Facebook under the name “Dilip Kumar Mohana Rajan” has scored hundreds of likes and many are talking about this wedding.

What is so unique about these clips? To answer this question you must see the clips. Click on the following images to view the videos:

Video #1: Unique Entrance made by the Groom

Dilip Kumar with friends (from the Facebook page "Dilip Kumar Mohana Rajan").
Dilip Kumar with friends (from the Facebook page “Dilip Kumar Mohana Rajan”). Click the image to view video: “Unique Entrance made by the Groom – Karuppu perazhaga”.

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Video # 2: Unique Entrance made by the Bride

Bride Mohana with friends (from the Facebook page "Dilip Kumar Mohana Rajan")
Bride Mohana with friends (from the Facebook page “Dilip Kumar Mohana Rajan”) Click the image to view video: “Unique Entrance made by the Bride”

In an interview given to OLI 96.8FM, Singapore, Mohana Rajan says that she is a Bharatha Natyam dancer and wanted to make her wedding a memorable one, and Dilip Kumar relented to her wish.

These two video clips have produced mixed reactions from viewers. In fact, there are around 144 comments for groom’s entrance and 626 comments for the bride’s entrance on YouTube.

Some praise the clips while those who uphold the sanctity of marriage and wish to follow religious traditions censure them.

One Facebook commentator says,

You guys had a grand fun entrance to your wedding and definitely put on a smile on more than a million faces.. What a blessed way to start your journey of togetherness. Have a blessed married life! (sic) “

Another person comments in YouTube:

Jaffna low caste culture is not considered as Tamil culture. Indian cinema culture destroying pure Jaffna Tamil culture. These kinds of people should be outcasted from society. Ada thuuuuuu. (sic)”

Another comment in YouTube reads:

I really liked the dancing.. just feeling bad that my Tamil culture is extremely ruined. You could have danced in your reception instead. You just forgot that it has a meaning to wear saari and all those traditional stuffs while during the wedding. You didn’t give any meaning to yours instead made it funny. I respect your freedom but think on your own. There is no need to do a Tamil traditional wedding if you don’t believe on it or want to make fun of it. I respect my culture, so do many! (sic)”

You might be intending to ask me what I think about this incident.

Well, I am a Tamil and a Catholic and I believe in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage and wish to uphold the Tamil traditions.  Not only Christians, but all religions agree and preach what I firmly believe.

This couple follows Hinduism, which like Buddhism, is not a religion in the sense, Judaism, Christianity or Islam are. Hinduism like Buddhism is a way of life.

Thousands of years ago Samskaras or sacraments were instituted in Hinduism to bring sanctity and stability to the lives of the people and to integrate their personalities with the society they were born in. The ancient seers and sages, endowed with the sacred knowledge, made it their bounden duty to transform the crude animal that we were, into Homo sapiens, with the help of the Samskaras. In Hindu rituals, life is a cycle. From the birth to death a person undergoes 16 Samskaras; and marriage is one of the most important among them.

The rich, noble heritage of Hindu ethos proclaims that the sacrament of marriage impresses upon a person that earthly life should not be despised; rather it should consciously be accepted and raised to the level of a spiritual existence.

Hindu families live all over the world.  Though some live outside India, they all have strong ties with the Hindu culture and way of life as practiced in India, and feel that they should, on such important occasions in life, such as marriage, perform the Samskara in the traditional Hindu way by availing the rich, noble heritage of Hindu thought, ritual and tradition.

Gatherings of near and dear ones, and reception parties – large or small, most certainly enhance the pleasures of the occasion and the joy of a wedding. However, the Hindu marriage ceremony like the Judaic, Christian, and Islamic, is an ennobling sacrament, and in my humble opinion, it is advisable to perform the marriage rites irrespective of religion in a serene atmosphere without much banal pomp and pageantry.

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