Category Archives: Humour

An Atheist and an Agnostic in Paradise


.

Myself 

By T. V. Antony Raj
.

Swami Beyondananda.

.

Recently I came to know about Swami Beyondananda, the cosmic comic alter ego writer, humorist, performer and uncommontator Steve Bhaerman.

.

Steve Bhaerman alias Swami Beyondananda.

.

This Swami, whose favourite yoga pose is ‘tongue-in-cheek‘, is the spokesperson for a new non-religion, FUNdamentalism (accent on “fun”). Says the Swami, “We are strictly non-dominational.”

By the way, do you know who or what the word ‘uncommontator‘ or the word ‘non-dominational‘ mean? Well, I don’t know, neither does Google.

One day in 1979, while Steve was pursuing a career as a teacher and writer, the name “Swami Beyondananda” flew into his head. As Steve tells it, “I got struck by enlightening during a brainstorm.”

Now, let us tune into the wisdom of Swami Beyondananda:

Whew, my head is spinning with all that hate! Well, here is a joke to lighten up everyone!

An atheist and an agnostic after dying to arrive in what they realize is paradise. When they arrive in Paradise, they are met by this benign, radiant beautiful woman who claims to be God ( or rather Goddess!) who shows the agnostic and atheist around.

They see all these beautiful trees, orchards, meadows, waterfalls and meet with many beautiful people of many different ethnicities with happy-faced children all hugging and loving each other with flowers in their hair singing

“If you’re going to San Francisco,
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair…”

“Who are they?” ask the atheist and the agnostic

“They are the Children of earth, atheists and agnostics like yourself,” says the beautiful Goddess. They have come to paradise and obtained what they sought – eternal happiness, peace and harmony among all people,” says the beaming Goddess.

Finally, they arrive at the edge of paradise, a vista point where they see this deep, bottom-less huge pit, a cavern the size of the milky way with roaring flames! They see all kinds of people throwing bombs at each other, blowing each other up, hating each other, cursing each other, fighting each other, in other words, one big hate fest!

The atheist and the agnostic ask, “Who are they and what is that cavern with flames?”

“Oh, that is Hell,” says the Goddess. “Those people down there are hateful, intolerant, violent religious extremists, the believers, all the haters from planet earth, extremist Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, Jains, Sikhs, Nazis and yes even republicans!!”

“Why are they so angry and hateful?” ask the atheist and the agnostic.

The bemused Goddess says, “Oh, they are just angry because they were lied to by their Gods as to who would be in heaven and hell!!”

Advertisements

Marketing Terms


.

Myself By T.V. Antony Raj
.

Well if you are novice to marketing then let us look at these usual and useful scenarios at a party and understand the terms used in this field :

Direct Marketing

Party - Direct Marketing (152x224)

You walk up to a lady and say “How about having a nightcap with me?”

Telemarketing

Party - Telemarketing (224x149)

You walk up to a lady and get her telephone number. The next day you telephone her and say “How about having dinner tonight with me?”

Advertising

Party - Advertising (149x224)

Ask one of your friends to walk up to a girl and ask him to point at you and say “Hi, you see that gentleman over there. He is very rich. How about having a ride tonight with him?”

Public Relations

Party - Public Relations (224x173)

On seeing this lady you adjust your tie and walk up to her, pour her a drink, pick up her purse when she drops it, offer her a ride and  then say “How about having a nightcap with me?”

Brand Recognition

Party - Brand Recognition (197x224)

A lady walks up to you and says “I know that you are very rich! Will you marry me?”

Customer Feedback

Party - Customer Feedback (224x148)

You walk up to a lady and say “You are so lovely. How about having a nightcap with me?” She slaps you on your face.

Demand and Supply

Party - Demand and Supply (224x128)

You walk up to a lady and say “Hi, how about having a nightcap with me?” She taps the shoulder of the person standing next to her and introduces him as her husband.

Market Competition

Party - Market Competition - 2 (207x224)

You walk up to a girl and before you could utter a word, another person budges in and says “Hi, how about having a nightcap with me?”

New Market Restriction

Party - New Market Restriction (224x149)

You walk up to a girl offer her a drink and before you could say “Hi, … ” your wife stares at you and the girl.

Add this anywhere

Peeping Tom


I know a lady who lives on the 3rd floor of a nearby apartment. This is a fairly good neighborhood; but of late she has been having trouble with a ‘peeping tom’ living in an adjoining apartment. Every time she goes out to her bathroom, she removes her clothes and steps into the bathtub, this peeping tom looks through her bathroom louvers and stares at her.

She complained to the old caretaker of the building about this peeping tom, and the old man wanted positive proof before he could take any action.

FINALLY the lady got a picture of him from her balcony while he was staring at her…

Scroll Down

Down arrow[3]

Down arrow

Down arrow

Peeping Tom

Gotcha!!!

Add this anywhere

Johnny, Johnny …


.

Myself . By T.V. Antony Raj
.

My former student Chandru Ganapathy has shared Amey Rane‘s post on Facebook. It is a transmutation of the nursery rhyme “Johnny, Johnny …” I hope novices and veterans in the IT field will chant it as their daily mantra. Here it is:

Johnny, Johnny … Yes Papa!

Job in IT … Yes Papa!

Too much work … Yes Papa!

Lot of tension … Yes Papa!

Family Life … No Papa!

Personal life … Lost Papa!

BP, Sugar … High Papa!

Yearly Bonus … Joke Papa!

Annual pay … Low Papa!

Promotion, Incentive … HA! HA! HA!

Add this anywhere

Cooing, Crooning, Bawling and Hollering


Read downwards.

This what you would hear from a couple cooing and crooning behind the bushes. Obviously before marriage:

He:  Yes. I have been waiting all these days for this only.
She: Will you think of leaving me?
He:  No. Never. I will not even dream of it.
She: Do you love me?
He:  Yes. Today and forever.
She: Will you cheat on me?
He:  I would ratherI die.
She: Will you kiss me?
He:  Surely. What a happy instance this would be!
She: Will you scold me?
He:  Never. Don’t ever think of it?
She: Will you hold my hand and walk with me till the end?

Read upwards.
This is the same conversation that we heard afore, But now it has metamorphosed into a conversation after marriage.

Add this anywhere

Sweet and Cryptic Words used by Women.


.

Myself By T.V. Antony Raj
.

I came across this caboodle of sweet and cryptic words used by women penned by an anonymous author under a different title.

1. Fine:  Word used to end an argument when she is right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means ‘half an hour’. Five minutes are only 5 minute given to you to watch the game on TV before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm hits you. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that generate ‘nothing’ usually ends in ‘fine’ (see #1 above) .

4. Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. So, don’t do it.

5. Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word –  a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks that you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing.  (See #3 above for the meaning of ‘nothing’) .

6. That’s Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous cryptic statement uttered by a woman. ‘That’s Okay’ means that she want to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will realize and pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:  Do not faint or question if she thanks you. Your response should be “you’re welcome.”  This ‘Thanks’ seems to be true unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, which by the way is pure sarcasm and is not thanking you at all. In this case do not respond with “you’re welcome” that will result in a ‘Whatever’ (See #8 below).

8. Whatever:  It’s a woman’s way of saying f*** you.

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it.:  Beware. This a dangerous statement meaning that she had told you to do something several times before and is doing it herself now. You will now be asking “What’s wrong” to which her response would be ‘nothing’ ((See #3 above for the meaning of ‘nothing’) .

Add this anywhere