“In The Dark I See by @Lights” by Casey Chanin

Casey Chanin is a Pop/R&B singer from Westchester, NY.  She is working on her debut album to be released in 2013 via Bralec Harlit Entertainment.  Check out her story below to see how she’s made it through being misdiagnosed by over 15 doctors, living with Celiac Disease and struggling with binge eating and hopes to inspire girls everywhere to love and accept themselves.

Link To Casey Chanin's Story


Hi. I’m Casey. I’m 19, 5’2”, and I’ve lived most of my life hating myself for the way I look. Here is the very short version of my story.

At 13 I weighed only 53 pounds, and was going through a 2-year misdiagnoses. Everything I ate made my stomach hurt. I would eat, and then I’d be on the floor screaming in pain but the doctors said I was lying to cover up my “eating disorder”. I went through over 15 doctors, and two psychologists. I was dropped by many of them because they didn’t know what to do. I lost all of my friends. I was in too much pain, and too weak to go to school. I was in the hospital with feeding tubes down my throat to force feed me. I tried my best to eat, but no matter how much I ate, I kept losing weight. I ate through the pain to make everyone happy, except myself. I was killing myself with food.

The doctors decided to cut a hole in me so my parents could put a feeding tube through it. A week before they were going to do it a doctor saw a blood test that I had taken two years earlier and saw that I had Celiac Disease, an intolerance to Wheat, Oats, Rye, and Barley. By eating those foods, my intestines were completely damaged. My growth hormone had stopped, and my digestive system had completely broken down. I stopped eating those foods, and the pain went away.

Even though I was finally diagnosed, I was told if I didn’t gain a certain amount of weight in a week, I’d be put back in the hospital. So, every night, I’d make myself a picnic in my room, and eat until I was about to throw up. In only two months, I gained the 20 pounds I needed to. But I couldn’t stop eating. I kept eating, and eating, and eating. It became an addiction. I used food to cope with everything. It consumed my life. I would binge every night, and sometimes, be too sick to go to school. I went to a therapist after therapist trying to get help, but I just couldn’t stop. I was diagnosed with Binge-Eating Disorder. I hated myself. I felt disgusting. I thought I was a failure and had no willpower. Food had completely consumed my life. The past two years I had been forced to eat, and then I literally could not stop eating. I spiraled into depression, began cutting myself, and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmoprhic Disorder. I coped with all of that now for 4 years. My highest weight was 140 pounds.

I still struggle with Binge-Eating, self harm and my weight constantly goes up and down. I have stretch marks, cellulite, and scars all over my body. I can’t help but sometimes look in the mirror and see ugly. But slowly, I’m getting better. Sometimes I can look in the mirror. Sometimes, I can take pictures of myself and that’s a huge improvement from where I was. I’m a survivor. People told me I was going to die, and I didn’t. People told me I was a liar, and I fought for my life, no matter what anyone said. So what if I have scars? It shows what I have gone and still am going through. It shows how I’m still fighting for happiness everyday, and that will start by loving my body. I am beautiful.

We all need to realize that life is too short to base it all on the way we look, or a number on a scale. Eat when you’re hungry. Eat chocolate if it makes you happy. Wear whatever you want. If the media think that killing yourself physically and mentally to look a certain way is what’s beautiful, then they are the ones with the problems. If everyone looked the same, the world would be so boring! YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEIGHT. NO MATTER WHAT SIZE.


In The Dark I See by @Lights (Cover by @CaseyChanin)


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