Re-posted: 15 Amusing Things That’ll Happen If Arvind Kejriwal Is Made The CEO Of Microsoft


CEO-cover-NEW-930x360

Recently, Indian born Satya Nadella was promoted to the post of CEO of Microsoft. While both traditional and social media are abuzz ith debates, consequences,factors, pride and puns, we join the bandwagon with a slightly hypothetical route:

What if, instead of Satya Nadella, ‘aam aadmi Arvind Kejriwal was made the CEO of Microsoft?

These 15 disasters will strike Windows users worldwide.

Click here to read more

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Re-posted from STORYPICK

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Cleavage! What’s in It?


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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English: Cleavage of a woman holding documents...

Cleavage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If the man gaping at a woman’s cleavage is handsome, she will coyly say: “He is audacious!,” if not she would retort: “He is a pervert!”

If the woman with an eyeful cleavage pays attention to a man, he will chuckle and say: “She is sexy!,” if not he would riposte: “She is a whore!”

Cleavage, anatomically known as the intermammary cleft or the intermammary sulcus, is the space between a woman’s breasts lying over the sternum.

From time immemorial, women’s breasts are synonymous with feminineness. Invariably, well-endowed women often use cleavage to physically attract and sexually lure others (mainly men). They accentuate their cleavage by wearing garments with low necklines, alluring evening attire, flimsy lingerie and revealing swimwear. Thus, they find sadistic pleasure in kindling jealousy in other less-endowed women.

Midhuna Waliya in Transparent Saree (Source: zimbio.com)

Most men derive erotic pleasure when their female companions display their cleavage with aesthetic effect. However, a few envious men, mainly companions of slim flat-chested women, resort to branding the copious women as flirts and seductresses.

Bartholomeus van der Helst. Anna du Pire as Granida. 1660. Oil on canvas, 70 x 58 cm. National Gallery, Prague.

In western societies, opinions differ about how much cleavage exposure is acceptable in public. In many cases, though displaying cleavage is permissible, it may be prohibited by dress codes set by churches, schools, and workplaces, where flagrant exposure of any part of the female breast might be considered inappropriate, and a woman who dares to show her nipples or areolae is almost always considered immodest, lewd, and indecent.

When it comes to cleavages, former British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, former US Senator Hillary Clinton, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld, the Conservative Christian Democratic Union candidate for Berlin’s Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg district gained attention on the international political front for wearing low-cut blouses revealing just the slightest hint of cleavage.

Former British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith

Revealing: Jacqui Smith in the Commons (Source: dailymail.co.uk)

Jacqui Smith, a member of the British Labour Party was appointed Home Secretary in Gordon Brown’s first Cabinet reshuffle of June 28, 2007. Just one day into her new job bombs were found in London and a terrorist attack took place in Glasgow the following day.

Jacqui Smith drew attention for wearing a revealing black top under her tightly fitting white jacket. It caused a stir as other MPs struggled to concentrate on the security threat under discussion.

Her attire prompted the House of Commons wags to wisecrack as “Weapons of mass distraction.”

 Former US Senator Hillary Clinton

On July 20, 2007, Washington Post published an article written by Pulitzer Prize winner Robin Givhan in its Fashion section titled “Hillary Clinton’s Tentative Dip Into New Neckline Territory.” Givhan wrote:

There was cleavage on display Wednesday afternoon on C-SPAN2. It belonged to Sen. Hillary Clinton.

She was talking on the Senate floor about the burdensome cost of higher education. She was wearing a rose-colored blazer over a black top. The neckline sat low on her chest and had a subtle V-shape. The cleavage registered after only a quick glance. No scrunch-faced scrutiny was necessary. There wasn’t an unseemly amount of cleavage showing, but there it was. Undeniable.

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The Washington Post’s editorial writer, Ruth Marcus, criticized Robin Givhan’s article. She wrote that Robin Givhan “dissected” Hillary Clinton “for showing cleavage.” Marcus added, “Might I suggest that sometimes a V-neck top is only a V-neck top? As a person of cleavage, I’d guess that Clinton’s low-cut shirt simply reflected a few centimeters of sartorial miscalculation, not a deliberate Fashion statement.”

Another Washington Post columnist, Dana Milbank, also seemed to distance himself from the Givhan article during a July 26 appearance on MSNBC News Live.

 German Chancellor Angela Merkel 

Don’t look down: Angela Merkel with Mr Stoltenberg on April 12, 2008 (Source: dailymail.co.uk)

German Chancellor Angela Merkel wore a glamorous and impressive blue décolletage with a blue bolero shawl designed by Anna von Griesham while chatting with Jens Stoltenberg, prime minister of Norway, at the opening of the Olso Opera House on April 12, 2008. Mr Stoltenberg maintained crucial, and diplomatic, eye contact with his guest at the inauguration of the cultural landmark.

On April 14, 2008, Gawker, a media gossip website published a page titled “German Chancellor Angela Merkel not Afraid to Show Her Breastesses” written by Shea. The writer wrote:

“For my upcoming vacation in Germany, I decided to study up on some of its elected leaders. What was discovered about Chancellor Angela Merkel? She’s not afraid to show a little cleavage during a night out at the Opera! Click for it… if you dare.

Gawker welcomed commentators to make light of the German leader’s outfit with quips ranging from the flippant: “Deutschland boober alles” to the politically slanted: “Imagine. A female head of state okay with being a woman.

This photo of Chancellor Angela Merkel provided enough fodder for the media around the world. The media focused on the German leader’s appearance. Unflattering photos of the chancellor wearing a peach-colored dress with sweat stains under her arms at the 2005 Bayreuth festival were widely circulated. In 2006, the British tabloid

"I'm Big in the Bumdestag"

“I’M BIG IN THE BUMDESTAG”

The Sun published photos of Merkel changing into a bathing suit while on vacation in Italy, giving its article the headline “I’M BIG IN THE BUMDESTAG,” in a reference to the Bundestag, home of the German federal parliament. The article and photos solicited an indignant response from a number of German publications, which felt the country’s leader deserved more respect.

Vera Lengsfeld

An election campaign poster for the 2009 general election with the words ‘ We have more to offer’ shows German Chancellor Angela Merkel (R) and Vera Lengsfeld (Photo: REUTERS)

During a tough political campaign for the 2009 general election, Vera Lengsfeld (61), the Conservative Christian Democratic Union candidate for Berlin’s Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg district, used pictures of German Chancellor Angela Merkel and herself in low-cut dresses. To draw attention to serious election issues she put up 750 provocative campaign posters accompanied by the slogan “Wir haben mehr zu bieten” (“We Have More to Offer”).  Lengsfield bought the rights to use the picture of Merkel but did not seek the Chancellor’s permission. However, the posters had a positive impact.

To her critics Lengsfield said: “It is ridiculous to suggest that I am being sexist or antifeminist. I am a woman and I am proud of that.”

A mother breast-feeding her baby by sculptor Aryanad Rajendran conveys the message of love.

A mother breastfeeding her baby by sculptor Aryanad Rajendran conveys the message of love.

It is said that a child’s fascination with breasts starts from the moment it is breastfed as a baby. The odor of milk emanating from a mother’s breast draws her infant towards her. The basic instinct in any living being is to seek safety from the  surrounding environment. Hence, the child too finds comfort by nestling on its mother’s breasts. It finds not only nourishment while suckling the mother’s breast, but also the mother’s unconditional love.

If this assumption is true, then what about the children who were not breastfed?

Many bottle-fed children, especially those whose mothers were buxom are just as fascinated with breasts as those who were breast-fed.

When children, whether breastfed or bottle-fed grow up the embedded image on their brain of their mother’s breast surfaces sporadically as sexual fantasies. They eye women with large breasts and quite often become obsessed with them.

Women, whether breastfed or bottle-fed, do not react the same way as men because breasts naturally grow on their own in women. However, studies show that breastfed women have a healthier opinion of their own breasts in their adulthood.

Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, smok...

Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sigmund Freud, a firm supporter of the nature argument, believed that sexual drives are instinctive. He viewed sexuality as the central source of human personality. He said that a child’s first erotic object is the mother’s breast.

Source: lolzbook.com

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Am I a Wise Moron?


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Recently I came across the following in Facebook:

Oxymorons

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines ostensibly contradictory terms. Appropriately, the word oxymoron is itself oxymoronic because it is formed from two Greek roots of opposite meaning: ὀξύς (oxus, “sharp, keen”) + μωρός (mōros, “dull, stupid”). Moros is the root of the word moron.

Henry George Liddell, Robert Scott in his worl A Greek-English Lexicon illustrates an example of the Greek compound word ὀξύς-μωρος (English: pointedly foolish):

τὸ ὀξύμωρον” – a witty saying, the more pointed from being paradoxical or seemingly absurd, such as insaniens sapientia, strenua inertia, splendide mendax.

So, oxymoron is a single-word oxymoron consisting of two morphemes that are dependent in English similar to sophomore (literally “wise fool”). There are indeed many sophomoric sophomores.

Plural of oxymoron is oxymorons or oxymora. However, I prefer the word oxymora for the plural form.

In our daily life we use oxymora in many contexts, including inadvertent errors such as: open secret, clearly confused, act naturally, alone together and so on.

Many literary works contain literary oxymora. The 17th century literary work “Idylls of the King” by Lord Alfred Tennyson, Poet Laureate of Great Britain and Ireland, has two oxymora:

And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true.”

Some oxymora are crafted to show a paradox. On April 26, 2012, DiaNuke.org published an article titled:

Lessons of Chernobyl and Fukushima: Nuclear Safety is an Oxymoron

The most common form of an oxymoron involves an adjective–noun combination of two words.

dark light, living dead, guest host, little while, mad wisdom, mournful optimist, violent relaxation

Noun-verb combinations of two words also appear infrequently. For example: the line “The silence whistles” from Nathan Alterman’s Summer Night, and the title of a music record album – “Sounds of Silence“.

There are single-word oxymora composed of dependent morphemes:

pianoforte (“soft-loud”), preposterous (“before-after”), superette (“big-small”), etc.

Also, many single-word oxymora are composed of independent morphemes – two meaning-bearing elements that could each be a word in itself joined together to
form a single word:

ballpoint, bittersweet, bridegroom, firewater, kickstand, someone, speechwriting, spendthrift, wholesome,etc.

Many oxymora are a pair of words:

awful(ly) good, barely clothed, benevolent despot, benign neglect, build-down, building wrecking, clearly obfuscating, damned good, deliberate speed, elevated
subway, exactly wrong, far nearer, final draft, freezer burn, fresh frozen, growing small, hardly easy, idiot savant, industrial park, inside out, light heavyweight, little big, loyal opposition, mobile home, negative growth, old boy, one-man band, open secret, original copy, painfully beautiful, press release, random order, recorded live, sight unseen, small fortune, standard deviation, student teacher, terribly good, working vacation.

For a longer list of oxymora see my article titled “List of Some of the Many Oxymora I Have Come Across.

An oxymoron is not always a pair of words; they can also be devised in the semantics of sentences or phrases:

  • Andy Warhol: “I am a deeply superficial person.”
  • Anthony Haden-Guest: “Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them.”
  • Arthur Baer: “She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on.”
  • Charles Lamb: “I like a smuggler. He is the only honest thief.”
  • Clara Barton: “I distinctly remember forgetting that.”
  • Dolly Parton: “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.”
  • Donald Trump: “The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it.”
  • Edna St. Vincent Millay: “I like humanity, but I loathe persons.”
  • George Bernard Shaw: “Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.”
  • Henry Ford: “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.”
  • Irene Peter: “Always be sincere, even though you do not necessarily mean it.”
  • Isaac B. Singer: “We must believe in free will. We have no choice.”
  • Josh Billings: “Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”
  • Lord Alfred Tennyson: “And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true.”
  • Mark Twain: “I can resist everything but temptation.”
  • Mark Twain: “It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”
  • Oscar Wilde: “I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible.”
  • Oscar Wilde: “I can resist anything, except temptation.”
  • P.G. Wodehouse: “I generally advise persons never ever to present assistance.”
  • Samuel Goldwyn: “Modern dancing is so old fashioned.”
  • W.C. Fields: “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
  • Winston Churchill: “A joke is actually an extremely really serious issue.”
  • Winston Churchill: “I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place.”
  • Yogi Berra: “I never said most of the things I said.”
  • Yogi Berra: “Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes?”

Here are some brightly forged oxymora penned by great English writers:

  • Byron: melancholy merriment
  • Chaucer: hateful good
  • Hemingway: scalding coolness
  • Milton: darkness visible
  • Pope: damn with faint praise
  • Shakespeare: parting is such sweet sorrow
  • Spenser: proud humility
  • Tennyson: falsely true
  • Thomson: expressive silence
Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn

Polish-born American film producer Samuel Goldwyn (born Szmuel Gelbfisz c. July 1879 – January 31, 1974) was famous for his quick wit and humor. In 1913, Goldwyn along with his brother-in-law Jesse L. Lasky, Cecil B. DeMille, and Arthur Friend formed a partnership, The Jesse L. Lasky Feature Play Company, the first feature motion picture company on the West Coast. to produce feature length motion pictures.

Once, Samuel Goldwyn commented: “Pictures are for entertainment, messages should be delivered by Western Union.

When asked about his autobiography, Goldwyn replied: “I don’t think anybody should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.

When told his son was getting married, he quipped: “Thank heaven. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.

Here are a few of Goldwyn’s funny oxymora:

  • A hospital is no place to be sick.
  • A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
  • Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
  • Click the ‘Start’ button to shut down the computer.
  • Don’t worry about the war. It’s all over but the shooting.
  • Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.
  • Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
  • I can give you a definite perhaps.
  • I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
  • I never liked you, and I always will.
  • I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them five years.
  • I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
  • I was always an independent, even when I had partners.
  • I’ll give you a definite maybe.
  • If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!
  • If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.
  • If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.
  • Include me out.
  • It’s absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.
  • It’s more than magnificent – it’s mediocre.
  • Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
  • Spare no expense to save money on this one.
  • Tell them to stand closer apart.
  • The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
  • We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

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Did Samsung Pay the Fine of One Billion Dollars to Apple in Nickels?


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Samsung vs Apple

Samsung vs Apple

The various litigation filed by Apple Inc. worldwide over technology patents are now known as “smartphone patent wars.”

In 2011, while Apple Inc., and Motorola Mobility were already involved in a patent war on many fronts, Apple filed lawsuits against Samsung Electronics Co., Ltd., in patent infringement suits over the style and design of smartphones and tablet computing devices. By July 2012,  Apple and Samsung manufactured over fifty percent of smartphones sold worldwide.

By August 2011, there were 19 ongoing suits in nine countries around the world between Apple and Samsung. In October, the number of legal disputes extended to 10 countries, and in July 2012, the two companies were involved in over 50 lawsuits worldwide, with billions of US dollars claimed as damages between these. Apple received a verdict in its favor in the US and Samsung won rulings in South Korea, Japan, and the United Kingdom.

In the United States, on August 24, 2012, the jury returned a verdict essentially favorable to Apple in the ground-breaking Apple-Samsung trial. It found that Samsung had flagrantly infringed on Apple’s design and utility patents. The jury awarded Apple $1,049,343,540 billion in damages and zero to Samsung in its counter suit. Apple’s equities rose over 6%, traded at $675 a share, an all-time high for Apple.

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A story posted on August 27, 2012 in the spanish website ELDERFORMA.COM was titled: “Samsung paga multa de 1 billón de dólares a Apple en monedas de 5 centavos.

Americn Five Cents (Image Courtesy of  Heritage Auction Galleries, Ha.com)

Americn Five Cents (Image Courtesy of Heritage Auction Galleries, Ha.com)

Google translated the article to English. The title said: “Samsung pays fine of $1 billion to Apple in coins of 5 cents“.

Smart South Koreans!

Samsung pays Apple $1 Billion sending 30 trucks full of 5 cent coins

Samsung pays Apple $1 Billion sending 30 trucks full of 5 cent coins

However, I was not pleased with Google’s automatic translation of the body of the article from Spanish to English. So, I googled the title and found a good translation of the article titled “Samsung Pays Apple $1 Billion Sending 30 Trucks Full of 5 Cents Coins” on paperblog.com posted by Jesusmsanchezl.

This morning more than 30 trucks filled with 5-cent coins arrived at Apple’s headquarters in California. Initially,  the security company that protects the facility said the trucks were in the wrong place, but minutes later, Tim Cook (Apple CEO) received a call from Samsung CEO explaining that  they will pay $1 billion dollars for the fine recently ruled against the South Korean company in this way.

Read more ...

The original article in Spanish and translations of it in other languages spread virally. Many readers, including me, who read the article online fell for it and mistook it for real news. However, certain aspects of the article roused suspicion.

To pay Apple $1,049,343,540 billion in five-cents coins Samsung would need  20,986,870,800 nickels (almost 21 billion coins). According to the U.S. Mint’s website, only 1.02 billion nickels were minted in 2012.

So, if Samsung had paid Apple in nickels, it would have collected all the nickels minted in the last 21 years in a couple of days. But did anyone in the United States knew about it or noticed the dearth of nickels in circulation?

Let us now look at the weight of the colossal amount of nickels. Weighing five grams each, the weight of 21 billion nickels amounts to 104,934,354 kilograms or 104,934.354 metric tonnes. So, each of the 30 trucks would have carried a gargantuan amount of nickels - about 3,500 metric tonnes.

Ridiculous!

All the above happened last year. But now, the long debunked myth of “truck load of nickels” is making the rounds once again.

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Free Utility to Clean Your Computer Screen


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Cleaning computer screen manually

I wipe my computer screen every other day with a soft cloth and use a small brush to dust the keyboard.

I was wondering whether there was any easy way out to do this task like the windshield wipers found on vehicles.

Windshield wiper

Yesterday, I came across a message asking me whether I clean the inside of my computer screen.

I was flabbergasted. Till yesterday, I never knew that you have to clean the inside or the backside or the other side or for that matter any side other than the front side of a computer screen.

The message then said:

This online utility to clean the inside of the computer screen is absolutely free.
Click this link —>  
Free Utility to Clean Your Computer Screen

I clicked the link and the utility licked my screen clean.

This online utility is completely free now and will be as long as that website is in existence – alive and running.

The utility works on all types of computer screens: desktop monitor, laptop, or whatever. Moreover, the creators of this utility claim that it is virus free.

Click the link, and decide yourself whether to pass this utility to your friends or not!

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Foolish Americans in the United Stupids of America (USA)


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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When I visited United States a year ago, I was shocked when I listened to some Americans blabber nonsense about India.

Then, I saw this video clip, a real eye opener, titled “Americans are NOT stupid” aired on CNNNN (Chaser NoN-stop News Network) with Julian Morrow interviewing normal, very stupid Americans, posing questions about the world. The answers are indeed very funny and hilarious.

Julian Morrow

Julian Morrow

Julian Francis Xavier Morrow (born 1975) is an Australian comedian and television producer from Sydney. He is best known for being a member of the satirical team The Chaser. He has appeared on several ABC Television programs including CNNNN.

Luckily for those like me who do not have the ‘ear’ to understand the American enunciation this version of the video clip is mercifully subtitled. However, I also prepared a transcript of the video so that you could read it at your leisure.

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Video Transcription

“Julian Morrow reporting: A lot of people give American a bum rap for being stupid and knowing nothing about the world, but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. As I discovered on the street here, asking US locals about the very world their country runs.”

Julian Morrow: “Name a country that begins with U?”

“Yugaslavia?”

“Utah.”

“Utopia.”

Julian Morrow: “Who is in the coalition of the willing?”

“No freaking idea.”

“Afghanistan, Kuwait.”

“Iraq, Pakistan …”

Julian Morrow: “New Zealand.”

“New Zealand.”

Julian Morrow: “What’s the religion of Israel?”

“Israeli?”

“Muslim.”

“Islamic.”

“Catholic, probably.”

Julian Morrow: “What religion are buddist monks?”

“Budhist monks?”

Old woman: “????”

“Islamic? I don’t know.”

Julian Morrow: “Who won the Vietnam war?”

Young woman: “We did … Were we even in the Vietnam war!?”

Julian Morrow: “Who is Fidel Castro?”

“A singer?”

Julian Morrow: “How many sides does a triangle have?”

Man: “Damn, four.”

Young woman: “There’s no sides… One?”

Julian Morrow: “What is the currency in the United Kingdom?”

Old woman: “????”

Old woman: “What is the United Kingdom? I don’t know.”

Middleaged man: “Possibly American money.”

Old woman: “Queen Elisabeth’s money? That’s all I know.”

Julian Morrow: “”Name a country that begins with U?”

Teenage girl: “A country?”

Julian Morrow: “What about this one?”

Teenager: “”What”

Julian Morrow: “United States of America.”

Julian Morrow: “In terms of the war on terror, who do you think should be the
next country to invade?”

Middleaged woman: “Saudi Arabia.”

Middleaged man: “Somebody in the middle-east.”

Another middleaged man: “We make a big blast crater out of the ****ing
middle-east for all I care.”

Teenage boy: “I’m thinking … Italy.”

Julian Morrow: “Italy?”

Another Middleaged man: “Cuba.”

Julian Morrow: “Cuba?”

Another Middleaged man: “Yeah”

Teenage girl: “Iran.”

Julian Morrow: “Iran? Why’s that?

Teenage girl: “I think there’s a revolution going on pretty soon.”

Middleaged Afro-American: “Russia, China.”

Man: “India and Pakistan.”

Middleaged Afro-American: “Indonesia, Brazil.”

Middleaged man: “Korea.”

Julian Morrow: “Korea? Why do you say that?”

Middleaged man: “They’re trouble.”

Julian Morrow: “They’re trouble? Yeah? What’s troubling about them?”

Middleaged man: “Their attitude.”

Middleaged Afro-American: “Canada.”

Julian Morrow asks a woman to pin Sri Lanka on a map.

First woman: “Sri Lanka?”

Second woman pins correctly and says: “Right there.”

First woman: “Never heard of it.”

Julian Morrow approaches a couple.

Man: “Iran?”

Julian Morrow: “Put number one on Iran then.”

Man: ” South … south, south, south. Where are we.”

The man places the pin on Australia.

Another man: “North Korea.”

Julian Morrow: “North Korea? Why do you think North Korea?”

“Nuclear.”

Julian Morrow: “Nuclear?”

Another Afro-American: “Probably France.”

Julian Morrow: “Put a number 2 on France. Why do you say France?”

The man places number 2 on Australia. “It just seems to be some friction
between France and the United States.”

Julian Morrow: “Where do you think the best place to invade Iran would be
from? There would be from the north or south or the east or the west?”

Man: “The East.”

Woman: “West.”

Man pointing to Australia on the map says: “You know what it’s amazing
’cause I realized just now that North Korea is a lot larger than South Korea. I
didn’t know it was large like that!

Julian Morrow: “Kofi Anan is a drink, true or false?”

Man: “Coffee is a drink”

Another man: “Coffee in what?”

A woman: “It sounds like a law firm.”

Julian Morrow: “Who is Tony Blair?”

Man: “I don’t even know him.”

Julian Morrow: “Ok, alright. Any guess?”

Man: “Any guess … Skater?”

Another man: “Tony Blair is an actor.”

Another man: “Linda Blair’s brother?”

Julian Morrow: “Which countries are in the axis of evil?”

Young man: “Ehm, I know Germany is one of them, ehm, I’m not sure about
others.”

Another man: “Ok. California… New York.”

Woman: “Jerusalem.”

Another woman: “Jerusalem?”

Julian Morrow: “There’s more than one.”

Another woman: “I think all of them.”

Another man: “Florida.”

A jogger: “Ok. I’m a little bit mixed up over the Palestinians and the Israelis…
Which one is throwing the rocks?”

A woman: “The fella with the turban thing … I call it a diaper-head, really.”

Another man: “I believe … Mississipi.”

Julian Morrow: “Who was the first man on the moon?”

Man: “John Glen.”

Woman: “Armstrong walked on the moon but … I think it was a Russian, I’m not
sure.”

Another man: “Well, I can tell you some people don’t believe that happened,
they believe that it was reincarnated in Arizona somewhere.”

Julian Morrow: “What is a mosque?”

Woman: “Don’t have any idea.”

Julian Morrow: “Wanna guess?”

Woman: “An animal.”

Teenager: “I have no intelligent guess.”

Julian Morrow: “Ok, what about a stupid guess?”

Julian Morrow: “How may kidneys does a person have?”

Young man: “One.”

Julian Morrow: “What is collateral damage?”

Man: “Well, they just made a film about it, but that stuff I don’t know what it is.
It probably has something to do with what the movie was about. But not
necessarily related to the movie. Do you know what I mean?”

Julian Morrow: “How many World Wars have there been?”

Old man: “Three.”

Julian Morrow: “Which state does KFC come from?”

Jogger: “What the chicken? I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Julian Morrow: “Ok, do you know what KFC stands for?”

Jogger: “Kentucky Fried Chicken, right?”

Julian Morrow: “Star Wars is based on a true story. True or false?”

Teenager: “True.”

Julian Morrow: “What are Hiroshima and Nagasaki famous for?”

Old man: “Judo-wrestling?”

Julian Morrow: “How many Eiffel Towers are there in Paris?”

Teenager: “I say, about ten.”

Julian Morrow: “What is Al-Queda?”

Young man: “Al-Queda is a group … a suicide group in Israel, in the Middle East, they do suicide bombs and stuff. And the president of it is Yasser Arafat … Everybody knows that.”

Very old man: “Al-Queda is a wing of the Masonic Order.”

Julian Morrow: “Where was the Berlin wall?”

No answer from young man.

Julian Morrow: “What is the main religion of Israel?”

Teenager: “I don’t know”

Young man: “Believe me, I don’t know the answer to this question, but I’m thinking … Israel?”

Julian Morrow: “The language they speak in Latin-America is Latin. True or false?”

Teenager: “The what?”

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Was Edison a Good or a Bad Conductor?


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Electrocute

The passengers not knowing his real name called the rude bus conductor “Groucho”. No one ever befriended him.

On that fateful Monday morning, exasperated by the surging crowd, the conductor blew the whistle. A girl standing on the footboard slipped off the crowded bus. The rear tire ran over her body. She died instantly.

The infuriated passengers beat the bus driver and the conductor and then dragged them to the nearest police station.

The police found fault with the bad conductor for blowing the whistle too soon. They let off the driver and produced the conductor before the magistrate. After six months, the court sentenced him to death.

On the day of the execution, Edison, the bad conductor, entered the electrocution chamber. He saw the electrocution chair in the center of the room and a banana placed on it. He loved bananas. The executioners waited till the grouch finished eating the banana. They strapped him firmly to the electric chair and switched on the high-voltage current. However, the grouch survived since the electric current failed to pass through his body to his brain and heart. The judge set Edison free.

The grouch reinstated to his former job as a bus conductor did not seem to have changed even a wee bit after the ordeal he had undergone. He went about his job bent on being ruder to his passengers than before.

Three months later, on a busy Monday morning the conductor blew the whistle when a middle-aged woman tried to board the bus. Unfortunately, the woman standing on the footboard lost her balance and slipped off the crowded bus. The rear tire ran over her body. She died on the spot.

The enraged travelers after thrashing the bad conductor and the bus driver dragged them to the nearby police station.

Again, the police found fault with the grouch for blowing the whistle too soon and let off the driver. They produced the conductor before the same magistrate. The hearing as expected ended early, and the court once again sentenced the bad conductor to death.

On the day of execution, on entering the death chamber, the grouch saw two bananas placed on the electrocution chair. He ate both bananas.

The executioners strapped the conductor firmly to the electric chair and switched on the high-voltage current. To the amazement of the assembled, the grouch survived. This time too, the electric current failed to pass through to his brain and heart. Again, the judge set the grouch free.

Once again, reinstated to his earlier job with a severe warning, the bus conductor went about his job assiduously as before but was kind to his passengers.

Three months later, on a busy Monday morning he saw an elderly gentleman trying to board the bus. Remembering his earlier experiences, Edison, now no more a grouch, blew the whistle after the elderly person got onto the footboard. However, to Edison’s misfortune the old man fell off the bus and succumbed to his injuries. As before, the passengers took the conductor to the police station.

After viewing Edison’s pas record, the judge decided to set an example. He sentenced the current good conductor to death by electrocution.

On the day of electrocution when the good conductor entered the same electrocution chamber, he did not find his favourite fruit, the banana, to appease him before his death. The executioners once again strapped the him to the chair and switched on the current. This time the conductor died instantly.

At the inquest, the coroner and the officials pondered why Edison did not die on the first two occasions, but died on the third occasion. Did the banana play any part in this?

To this day this story continues to be a mystery.

Recently, a science student after hearing this story came up with a plausible answer. He said: “On the first two occasions, Edison was a bad conductor, but transformed into a good conductor just before his death.”

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A Do-It-Yourself Scam or How to Cheat Your Gullible Friends


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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Last year I read a post titled “Opportunist” by Rob in his blog Mental Gymnastics. In it, he mentions news about a work syndicate that won three million pounds between them.

This news intrigued me. Statistically, the chances of winning a million on a one-pound bet are slim. However, by pocketing out an extra dollar, you can better the odds.

I have outlined below an easy scam to dupe your lazy, gullible friends and profit from it.

1. Organize a lottery syndicate with at least 10 members. Volunteer to handle collection and buy tickets.

2. On Saturday mornings, buy eleven lucky dips with the collected ten dollars plus an extra dollar from your pocket.

3. On Mondays scan the results for lottery. If there is a sizeable win, substitute the spare ticket with the winning ticket and pocket the loot. No-one is any the wiser.

4. Email the results to your syndicate members. The number of tickets bought matching the number of members. Everything tallies.

5. Don’t be too greedy. To keep the members interested declare the small winnings.

Soon, the number of members in your syndicate will increase. If you collect 100 dollars then buy 102 tickets and your chances of winning will be better than the chances of winning a million on a dollar.

“Why not try this scam?”

When you hit the jackpot, will you retire and leave these fools to their drudge? I don’t think you will.

By the way, don’t forget to send me 1% of your winnings as royalty for this simple but great idea.

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What Do American and Indian Movies Teach Us?


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj .

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Most of us are fools, for having nothing better to do than watch movies and soap operas, glued to the ‘idiot-box’. Here are a few things that I learned watching movies especially the American and Indian varieties.

american-flag2

American movies teach us:

01. More than 50% of the US population work for the US government and are invariably FBI or CIA agents.

02. The people belonging to communist or Islāmic countries are morbidly insane. Their sole purpose in life is to spy on US and kill god fearing innocent Americans.

03. The main purpose of the school system of US is to promote American Football, Basketball and Baseball.

04. All Chinese, Japanese and Koreans have nothing better to do than teach or practice Judo, Karate, or Kung Fu.

05. The Aliens from outer space either look like Steven Spielberg’s lovable serene ET or have a face with tentacles as in Schwarzenegger’s Predator and drool and
salivate like mad dogs. Their blood is never red.

06. Aliens from outer space show special interest in US than any other country in the world. The UFOs always attack the Empire State Building first and then the White House. The US president will immediately board the Air Force One to escape the wrath of the aliens.

07. It is dangerous to travel to sparsely inhabited townships in the US even during day time because they might be inhabited by zombies.

08. Never wander on lonely roads and woods in US at night because they harbor werewolves and vampires.

09. The DNA information of each US citizens is available in the National DNA database of the DNA Profile Databank.

10. All Americans are anti-racists.

Indian Tri-Colour flag
Indian movies teach us:

01. The hero will have at least one main sidekick who is always given the role of a comedian.

02. If the heroine too has a sidekick then our hero’s sidekick will invariably tie the wedding knot on this woman in the last scene.

03. All heroes and heroines in Indian cinema know to sing and dance gracefully. When they decide to dance, the scene will shift to a foreign country and a group of
local or foreign guys and girls in uniform will appear from nowhere, and dance along with them, with everyone knowing the steps. After the song is over, the dancers will vanish into thin air.

04. One of the identical twins is always ill-natured.

05. In most cases if the hero is a police inspector than he is sure to arrest a college girl, pickpocket or a club dancer. He then tames the shrew, falls in love with her and
marries her with the blessing of his single mother.

06. Initially, all Indian heroes will get thrashed and flipped about like stuffed toys by the main villain, but our hero will never feel or show pain or sustain any fracture even when beaten with iron rods. The hero will profusely bleed from his mouth but will have all his teeth in tact. However, he will wince when the heroine tenderly touches or cleans the clotted blood on his mouth.

07. The main villain is ever surrounded by at least a dozen thugs who clench their fists and grimace trying to look villainous.

08. The hero will single-handedly beat dozens of thugs and finally the main antagonist. Not even his best friend, the sidekick, will come to his aid to fight the villains.

09. While defusing a bomb, the hero or the heroine or the sidekick comedian will always cut the correct wire just one second before the scheduled explosion of the bomb.

10. A detective or a police officer can solve cases only when suspended from duty.

An item common to both American and Indian cinema: While the hero kills and mauls hundreds of villains on home front or in battlefields, bullets only graze him.

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Looking Through Her Window …


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Myself By T.V. Antony Raj

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A young newly married couple moved into the house next door to Mark and Lucy.

The following morning, during breakfast, Lucy saw her new neighbor hanging the wash to dry.

Hanging washed laundry (Photo - Rob Howard)

Photo: Rob Howard

Lucy pointed at the clothes and said to Mark: “Do you see that? Their laundry is not so clean. That young woman does not know how to wash clothes.”

Mark remained pensive. He did not comment.

The following day too, Lucy pointed at the freshly laundered clothes and said to Mark: “Perhaps that young woman is using cheap laundry soap.”

This fault-finding went on unabated for the next couple of days.

The following Monday, Lucy was surprised to see a batch of fresh clean washed clothes on the line in the neighbor’s yard.

She pointed at the clothes and said: “Look, how clean and fresh the clothes are. That girl has finally learned the art of laundering. I wonder where she learned to wash so immaculately within a week?”

Mark smiled wryly and said: “Last evening after you went to visit your mother I cleaned that window pane.”

Jesus said:

“Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.

Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?

You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.”

(Matthew 7:1-5)